Friday, November 22, 2013

My Unorthodox Thanksgiving Story

So, Thanksgiving is around the corner and while most are happy to be around family, I am having second thoughts! You see, my family is very, (thinks of right word) colorful.

My holidays are surrounded by three loudmouth Chihuahua's with an occasional visit from their Puggle cousin Pluto who runs around the whole apartment knocking everything over.

We have my two male cousins, one being lactose intolerant but loves to eat cheesy foods anyways and winds up in our bathroom for a good half hour (on a good day), while the rest of us wait patiently to go next. But it's not as if we can immediately go in, no, no, no! We must wait it out another half hour or so to let the bathroom ventilate and at that point we're contemplating on either just doing it in the sink or a bowl!

My second cousin has no shame in farting, and I'm not just talking about a cute little puff! It is the most excruciating smell ever. We all either hold our breath for a good 10 minutes or have to leave the premises. These farts cause us to open all the windows, so we're all huddled around the table with our coats on eating a frozen turkey while the warm fart blankets over us.

My dogs have the loudest barks, so they'll bark continuously begging for food as if they never ate a day in their lives while cousin Pluto jumps with 2 paws on the table pulling the tablecloth off as we all dash to catch anything that is falling off and toppling over.

My family motto: Go Fuck Yourself! So instead of being a normal family and giving thanks, we literally pass the food around and slip in a 'Go Fuck Yourself!'

You have my mother's fiancé who eats everything with a spoon .. even turkey. I know, weird?

You have my mother who usually looks overwhelmed and starts regretting hosting Thanksgiving and is having second thoughts about Christmas while she watches her beautiful home fall apart before her eyes.

After a crazy dinner we usually gather around and pick a movie to watch. Last years pick: The Blair Witch Project .. I KNOW! GREAT PICK RIGHT?

And to add to all the craziness we have my poor boyfriend walking in to the deadly fumes of the fart and the bathroom and being toppled by all 4 dogs. Not only does he not have to take off his coat because it is about 10 degrees inside the living room but we're all squeezed on my tiny couch which is supposed to fit 3 people but we somehow manage to fit 5.

So am I looking forward to the holidays? Ehhh. But as I sit here writing this I'm dying of laughter because we're so all over the place it's ridiculous. At least I know what to expect and this year I come prepared with a port-o-potty, gas mask, heater, and still contemplating on the movie choice.
Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!

{Image by martha_chapa95}

Monday, November 18, 2013

The: I Think I Know You But I Feel Weird Saying Hi So I'll Just Smile Situation

Ever had that moment when you think you know someone but it's to awkward to say hi so you give this half-assed smile & walk a little faster to get away? WELL .. I feel that this always happens to me in the same place: The Supermarket. The Supermarket is where everyone you know and their mothers gather around and occasionally do that awkward "I think I know them" smile or you get the "Did you go to school with my son?" kind of question. So what do we do in these situations? Quickly turn the other way? Walk a little faster? RUN?

Here are 4 easy steps to relieve the awkwardness in these encounters, avoid lengthy conversation & handle them like a pro!

1. You Spot The Person: Once you see someone you used to know, your stomach turns and you automatically think "F#$%". You're stuck in Aisle 5, sandwiched between 2 shopping carts and you can't escape. So what do you do?

  • Compulsively put a bunch of stuff in your cart trying to avoid eye contact? No
  • Play bumper cars and get the hell out of there? No.
  • Take out your phone and fake a call? No.
You are trapped. Phase 2.

2. Smile: You have been spotted, eye contact has been made. The next step is to smile, acknowledge that you know them. In this phase you have the opportunity to browse through your memory and try to remember where you know them from, even their name! Try not to say, "Hey YOU!" Slowly walk towards them and brace yourself for either a lengthy convo or a quick hello.

3. How Are You?: We all do it!!! We all ask that dreadful question where we don't really expect an answer nor do we really care. The Motto: KEEP IT MOVING. Your biggest mistake will be to stop, leaving space for conversation. Remember, time is of the essence and you need to get the hell out of there. Slowly but surely walk past them continuing eye contact and say: "Hey. How are you?" without stopping because you don't really want an answer. They'll end up saying something, most likely, "Good" because no one wants to open up about their miserable life in the middle of Aisle 5 sandwiched between 2 shopping carts.

WARNING!
Sometimes you'll get a more personal question, For Example:

  • How's Mom?
  • Didn't you go to school with my son?
  • What have you been up to?


If you don't mind conversation you can answer these questions extensively. But, if you're like me who hates 'small talk', you can give one word answers but make sure to nod your head and smile while doing so to seem sincerely engaged and interested but sort of in a rush, For Example:

How's Mom?
-Good *smiles & nods*

Didn't you go to school with my son?
-OH, YEAH! *smiles & nods*

What have you been up to?
-Nothing *smiles & nods*

Make sure to cut eye contact once the question has been answered and distract yourself by engaging in something else.

4. WINNING: Turn down the nearest aisle and BAM, you have survived! Give yourself a pat on the back and continue shopping until your next encounter ... DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

To Be Continued.